I think it is time that she is granted her due.
Life continues to fascinate with lessons it keeps sharing at
various corners of your years of existence. I say this with utmost conviction, even
after having understood first hand that convictions themselves may overturn
when life decides it.
There was a lady who was part of my life ever since I can
remember. In the early years, I remember more of her than I do of my parents. Unfortunately,
this is a period which was eventually erased from memory as I grew older and
understood life and her a little more. By the time I moved out of home, she had
reduced to becoming a source of irritation because of what my mind’s perceived
truth about her was, compounded by the extreme senility that passing years had
embraced her with.
Because the years of affection were heavily outnumbered by
the times spent being angry and irritated at her, the only thought known and acceded
in my mind was that when it is time for her to go, it would be a time of relief
for the rest of us.
Lest it be misunderstood, the anger against her was not
unfounded. It was on account of her actions and her words suffered by many people
over many years. But this is neither about what she did or did not do nor is it
about any remorse for my lack of feeling towards her.
This is about a lesson I learnt since she has passed.
If ever, I was convinced about one thing, it was that she
wouldn’t be missed once gone. I have
been proven wrong.
I was also convinced about what I thought my memory of her
would be. I admit yet again, I was wrong.
I am surprised that even after so many years of her having
left us in peace, I do not recall the reasons and times she infuriated us. Not
even when I think hard.
But there are some moments that are reminiscent of her.
Without the slightest effort.
I have long given up trying to look for reasons why I didn’t
appreciate her. I now dedicate this to why I feel I still remember her fondly,
inspite of everything.
- Visiting the gurudwara and hearing the same shabad she would
be singing without fail every Sunday morning which I could hear while sleeping.
I only started to notice after she was gone.
- Remembering each time she picked me up from school because I
was taking a guitar lesson that would continue long after school was up.
- Accompanying me and my friends to a picnic which we had been
planning for a long time but found at the last minute that none of the elders
were willing to take us.
- Always, always making Saturday breakfast for me, of my
choice even though it wasn’t breakfast food.
- Giving me tea, each time she prepared it for herself.
- Waking me up at 4:00 a.m with tea, each time I asked her to.
- Knitting miles and miles of kroatia laces and distributing
them to everyone she knew.
- All cousins hiding behind her, while playing dark room, in
her room.
- Her phrases in sindhi-haaj nasha saayeen- when I was hurt
and she was trying to make it all better. I don’t know what it means even now but it was something to do with seeking god’s blessings to make the pain go
away.
- Her phrases in sindhi- daaee aahe na-meaning you are a good
girl aren’t you- when I was being difficult
- One day when she picked me up from my guitar lesson at
school, my teacher said something to her in English which she didn’t understand.
Her innocent folding of hands in reply.
- Playing cards ever so often. We (me and my sister) could
never get her to go beyond the 3 games she knew.
- Her pair of black scissors that she treasured because it was
one amongst the very limited number of things she carried from Pakistan. We
could only borrow it if we promised not to cut cardboard with it, which we
always did. It would blunt the blade and she would get upset and swear she
would never let us touch it again. And it would repeat all over again.
- Her iron which was our savior each time we had a power cut
and were in desperate need to iron our clothes. She never used the electric
iron ever.
- Her discomfort at seeing ever increasing wrinkles on her
face, each time she’d look in the small hand held mirror she had taken from my
sister.
- Once, my sister asked her to write the English alphabets
after learning that she recognized some. It was an extreme surprise when she
wrote them all down.
- My sister and I playing music so loud that we couldn’t hear
her yelling at us that the phone was ringing. And her displeasure afterwards, each time in
sindhi, The phone kept ringing but you girl’s didn’t hear.
…..
Yeah…there are more that come to mind. I do not want to list
them all, lest I lose the feeling of recollection.
A few weeks before she passed, she gave up all signs of
recognition. I went home under certain other circumstances that caused me great
duress but after I saw her, I knew it would be for the last time.
I think now, it was at
that moment when my slate of anger was wiped clean.
Her eyes opened for a
second and I saw a glimmer of recognition and a small smile that started to
form on her lips. But I guess it was too difficult for her.
I am not sure if there is a meaning hidden behind the goings
on of that night, but I am glad I was able to sit through the night and check
on her, if only at that minute I thought I was allowing my folks to rest, who
had been up for many nights.
I got back to my life a couple of days later and the same
day she decided to move on. I didn’t see her.
It has been many years since then and I am pleasantly
surprised to note that she keeps coming back to life, in memory.
I guess that’s what
grandmothers are for.
I guess i am okay with the realization that once they go, you don't remember them badly. I hope this conviction is not overturned.
